Chambers

Under lock and key

Other forces finally aside

Going deeper

Reflection

And then it comes

Giving up what we want the most

for a momentary pleasure

and you can't get the moment back

it's gone

his smell left behind

to prod in your mind

the mark he left

as a painful reminder of the self betrayal

Steff

...

From the moment we're born, we've been fooled. We're told that we can be anything we want, we can get anything we want, just as long as we're willing to work for it. That everyone has an equal opportunity for happiness in this life. I call BS. Some people are just naturally gifted with more and will get farther based on that, and it has nothing to do with how hard they work or what's in their "heart". For example, the immigrant workers who move here, and work their butts off in fruit fields. Pretty sure their work is some of the most difficult. Are they moving up the social structure at all? Nope, not really.

I'm sick of the "Disney" mentality. That we're all princesses, and that all we have to do is wish, and our perfect prince charming will come along, and that we're all entitled to this "perfect" man. We fool ourselves into thinking that we deserve something like that. We don't deserve anything. We get what life gives us and we do what we can with it.

I'm tired of people telling me that I'm "special", that I'm an amazing person. It doesn't mean anything. Everyone who's ever said that to me is no longer in my life. Apparently how "amazing" I am just isn't enough to keep them interested or to stay in my life.

I'm just so sick of false expectations.

Steff

Trust and Attachment

Been thinking a lot lately about relationships and trust. Obviously a relationship won't be strong without trust, and I'm trying to figure out why sometimes I insist on carrying on, even when I know I've been lied to and there are things that happen that hurt, but at the same time I'm willing to overlook them and live in denial just because I want so dearly for the relationship to work out how I had planned it to. And even after I've received further confirmation to the deceit, I still want to just forget about it and move on, even though I know in the end it'll just bring me further heartache. Why do I do this to myself? Am I really so afraid of the unknown that I'm willing to put myself through such intense pain?

Sigh... I don't know. A part of me honestly believes I'm going crazy. Like honest to goodness insanity. I've been so close to the edge lately and just hurting and blah, I don't know.

Well there's my rant for now. Not much to this post, but I had to let it out.

Till next time,

Steff

Up and Down and Aaaalllllllll Around

Oi... so this last week has been CRAZY emotionally. I really think I almost lost it a couple times. However, I am quite proud of myself for handling things as well as I have been. Sometimes I feel like I'm borderline, on the edge of a black hole almost about to get sucked in, but I've been able to hold my ground so far. I've had to REALLY watch my thoughts, been trying to not have too much time to think. The other night I was fighting falling asleep because I didn't want to have that period where I was just laying in bed thinking. Instead I kept doing things to keep me distracted till I just zonked out. Needless to say, it worked.

I've been having a lot of reevaluations of myself lately. I have found that the power of one's thoughts are amazing. It's really hard to keep track of one's thoughts, but once the skill is mastered, it can really make all the difference in moods. Being able to track the dark thoughts and replace them is all one has to do to stay happy. It's hard sometimes though. There are times where I just wanna mope and wallow in self pity. Staying above that this week has made all the difference. I almost totally and completely lost it Wednesday night. I really went into hysterics. I wanted to do something reckless, I wanted to get hurt. I did do something kinda crazy, but it ended up working out and nothing happened. The next day I had to fight so hard to keep my composure. Finally, I got to this point where I decided I didn't want to be miserable anymore. Crap happens, and the best thing I could do at that point is just get over it and move on. Being upset wasn't doing me any good and it was really bringing down everything and everyone around me. Like I said, I'm doing so much better now. I'm still really having to watch my thoughts and stuff, but I really think I gonna come through this okay.

Steff

Who Am I?

So the other day something happened that really surprised me. I'm not going into details, but basically it's just started making me question a lot who I am (even more so than ever). I did things that were so unlike me, but it didn't feel like I was betraying any part of myself. My actions weren't terrible, but it's not something someone would ever expect of me. Ever. While the whole thing was happening I couldn't help thinking about my friends and family and if they could see me now, what would they thing? They'd probably be absolutely shocked. But yea, this whole situation has left me so confused. I don't feel like there's anyone I can really talk to about it to help me figure things out. It's hard...

Till next time,

Steff

Blessings

For the past couple days I have been very down and depressed. I sat down in church today, feeling like there was a gaping hole in my chest and I just thought... "I'm sick of this." I then got the idea to come home and write down an extensive list of all my blessings and the things I'm grateful for. Just thinking of doing it started to make me feel better. So yea... here it is

• A sturdy house
• Heating/Air Conditioning
• A job
• stuffed animals
• my dogs
• Big fluffy clouds against a bright blue sky
• All the colors of nature
• The mountains
• My family
• sushi
• My religion
• The Book of Mormon
• My country
• Soldiers
• the smell of freshly-cut grass
• Fresh fruits/vegetables
• My sight
• My hearing
• The feeling of the warm sun on my skin
• Crawling into bed after a long hard day
• Music
• Butterflies
• Laying outside and hearing the birds singing
• Smoothies
• Water
• Indoor plumbing
• Modern Medicine
• Technology
• The piano
• singing
• Nice clothes
• My height
• Summer rain
• Things that are soft
• Cars
• Trampolines
• Basketball
• Lotion
• Living in a society where women shave their armpits haha
• Wolves (they're so beautiful)
• Zoos
• Malls
• Photography
• Ice cream
• Cheese cake
• ....baked good in general haha
• The Wii haha
• Jesus
• Good literature (aka: not twilight)
• Pools
• Massages
• Hugs
• Hygiene products
• My health
• My boobs (haha)
• Furniture
• OTC drugs (I love ibuprofen)
• Little random funny things that happen throughout the day that just make you smile
• A sense of humor
• Living in a relatively safe place
• Naps
• Cologne (mmm, yummy)
• Bikes
• My cell phone
• Diverse cultures
• Sprinklers
• Clothes just fit perfectly
• The fact that we're all unique
• All 5 senses
• 4 seasons
• Exercise
• My health
• My ability to walk
• Being continent
• Arts/crafts

Well, that's all I got for now. There's so much more, but I'm a bit tired and I can't think of everything. I would encourage everyone to do the same (list their blessings I mean). We all have so much to be thankful for, and focusing on what we have is a great way to bring joy to your life.

Steff

Faux Pauxs

The blogs lately have been a lil heavy, so I've decided I'm gonna do something a bit lighter

and to vent my frustration at the things I often see and just wanna yell WHAT ARE YOU THINKING.

So here goes

• Trashy Screen T-shirts - Really? Do you feel classy wearing a shirt that says "LETS GET NAKED" or "ALWAYS HORNY"?? I always wonder what's going through people's heads when they wear t shirts projecting their sexual frustration. There are better ways to cope.
• Mullets - This goes for men AND women. If it's short in the front and long in the back, don't do it!
• Trashy Tattoos - Don't get me wrong, I like a little ink, it can be hot. HOWEVER, there are some tattoos that are complete and total turnoffs and I don't understand them. Example: I work with a man who has tattoos of naked ladies doing questionable things all up and down his legs. Why would you want tattoos of this? What girl is gonna be like "YES! naked women, that's what I want to see every time I'm with my man!" Makes me wonder why he got these. He go home every day, look at his legs, and start jerking it? I don't know. This guy has been married 3 times, and divorced 3 times. 'Nuff said.
• Tube tops and bra straps - I see this every time I go to the mall in the summer. Girls wearing tube tops with bra straps showing that I think were white at some point. They make strapless bras for that! If you can't afford Victoria's Secret, they have them at Walmart.
• Booty Shorts - I don't care if you have the body/legs for it, I still think they're ugly. Why wear something that covers just as much as your underwear? Also, know your body type! If you're larger, you need longer shorts, cause those suckers are gonna ride up! Driving home from a family reunion, we stopped to get lunch in some hick town. I looked over, and saw a middle-aged woman, wearing some of the shortest shorts I wished I'd never seen, and omg, her legs were so white, at first glance I thought she was wearing tights! So again, know your body!
• Neon Hair - First of all: tacky. Secondly, it always fades and then looks like some icky color. Not to mention the roots that will show.
• PDA - Okay, I'm not totally against PDA, HOWEVER, there is a limit. PDA can be a great way to show that you're comfortable with your relationship and you don't care who knows. However, over the top stuff is just plain awkward and annoying. It's a public place, and there are kids... making out and dry humping are soooo not appropriate!
• Guys with pants below their butt - so you bought a pair of pants that cuts off circulation to your scrotum, pull your pants down so your boxers show? NO. It's not attractive. Just buy pants that fit.

That's all I got for now, as I think of more I'll post some more later.

Till then

Steff

Echo

Can you hear me?

Do you feel me?

I'm free falling

waiting for your coming

Distance made the love grow

Longing now all I know

So hard feeling so much

So long going without your touch

I say your name every time I pray

Anxiously counting down each day

Little monster whispers in my head

Don't know if you're alive or dead

Don't tarry, come fast

Not sure how much longer I'll last

Can't wait to see your sweet face

and feel the warmth of your embrace

Steff

Talking to the Moon

Just a lone wolf

Howling a the moon.

Pleading, yearning,

Waiting to be heard

I walk down the street

Empty shells pass by.

The trees greet me

stand together when we stand alone.

Caressed by the wind,

kissed by the sun.

Yet still it gets so lonely

when only the stars know your secrets

Just a lone wolf

howling at the moon.

Pleading, yearning,

anxious to be heard.

Staring up at the sky

feelings pouring out to the stars.

Still it's quiet, no response.

Tears unseen are a plea unheard

Steff

Anticipation

Funny how one's mentality changes when they're waiting for something. I'm now expecting something, and the wait is a little longer than expected, and it's driving me crazy, like emotionally I am breaking down. I feel kinda pathetic saying that, but it's true. I mean, it's not like I'm waiting for something material, it's for a person, and the longer I wait, the more I worry. Why the tardiness? What could be going on to cause this? The only possible things that come to my mind aren't good ones and it's wearing on me. I just don't really know. I've been waiting for this so long.... longer than I think is really fair. Why has this been such a challenge for me? and now that it's so close, I keep feeling like something's gonna happen and it's not gonna work out.

I don't know, I'm just driving myself crazy.

Steff

Oi...

So yea, it's been a while since I've written last. It's kinda ironic because I feel like there's so much to talk about, but at the same time I feel like I have absolutely nothing to say. Hrm.... where to start?

There's been so much going on in my head lately. I've probably had a little too much time to think lately and it's been causing me problems. This summer has been hard because I feel like I'm at a point of transition at the moment. I don't really have any friends who I can hang out with, and the person I care about the most is on the other side of the world for another 3-4 weeks and we're only able to correspond through letters, each one takes a couple weeks before it gets a response. I feel like a lot of times in my life I'm just waiting to get past a certain period in my life. I know I need to start taking a more active approach, take control of my life more. However, I'm unsure about how.

I'm just starting to get really frustrated I guess. I feel like so long I've been trying to rise above certain challenges and aspects of my life, and for a while I fool myself and think I've gotten past it, however when I come to again, I realize that not much has changed and that I'm still in the same situation. I think it's wearing on me, that I can't just pretend that I'm okay with it, or it doesn't affect me. A couple weeks ago, I was having regular emotional breakdowns at night. I'd just lay out on the grass at night and cry. I don't know, like I said, it's very frustrating.

I gotta head to work now. I'll try to write more later. Sorry that this was just kinda a whinny blog, but meh.

Till next time.

Steff

In and Out

He made me smile

He said I was beautiful

He listened to my problems

He made me feel safe

He lied

I opened up

He let me down

I gave him a lot

but he wanted it all

Turned to him because I was down

Hoping for a lifet

Took me in, hoping I would take him in

He always said he wasn't like the rest

He lied

I opened up

He let me down

I gave him a lot

But he wanted it all

He was turned on

Told me to take it all off

I held my ground

Told me to spread out wide

Give it all, let him get in

or he was out

...

He left

-Steff

The Mentality of Society

So lately this topic has come up a lot in my life - the mentality of society. Never really thought about it before, but really, we have a very negative mentality as a whole

Think about it

I don't know about everyone else, but I know for me personally, if I get 100 compliments (on just whatever), and just 1 insult, guess what's gonna stick out to me the most?

Iunno, maybe that's just a chick thing

Another example

Think about the way we talk. We put a lot of focus on "don't"'s, "won't"'s, "not"'s, etc. For instance, we don't say "Stay healthy!" typically, we say something like "Don't get sick!" or whatever, where the focus of the sentence is still "sick"

That's prob not the best example, but I think you get what I mean here. Listen for it in your conversations, and you'll see it

Example #3

Our news today mostly focuses on the negative. Why? Because bad news sells. We may SAY we want world peace, happiness, and all that jazz, but when it all comes down to it, we want the calamity, destruction, and despair.

One last example, and I'm pretty sure this one isn't one that most of you have thought of before

Think of the way you breathe. My guess is that more often than not, it's your chest that rises and falls, rather than your stomach.

But wait, what does that have to do with anything?

Animals when they're truly at rest, will breathe so their stomach rises and falls. This maximizes air capacity and is very relaxing (when I changed my breathing, I noticed difference in my mood. Try it)

When an animal is aggressive, they breathe into their chest

What's that say about our society? Do we have all this subconscious aggression? Or is it just a result of stress?

Either way, to me it shows just how negative our mentality is. Is it any wonder we're so unhappy? We're completely bombarded by negativity!

So I've been thinking, how can I break out of this? What can I do to make it so all this negativity doesn't affect me?

Best answer? Attitude really is everything (yea, I know: cliche)

I know that when I do a mental prep for myself in the morning, like telling myself what kinda day I'm going to have and stuff, I have a far better day than when I wake up thinking "oh crap... morning." Or something along those lines - you catch my drift?

Anyways, it is my firm belief that happiness is a choice we make. We are responsible for our own happiness, and while outside forces can influence our choice, ultimately we are responsible for what happens internally.

Once again, conclusions aren't my strong point

-Steff

Commitment

So, more and more I've started to realize that I struggle with commitment issues. Originally, I thought that this spawned from a very hurtful emotional experience from when I was 14. However, upon further self-psycho analysis, I have found that this has been something that I've struggled with ever since I was little, just in smaller forms.

I came to realize that, as far as I can remember, I've never really committed myself to ANYTHING 100%. Mind you, I wouldn't always slack off, I do give things a good 80-90% effort, but I digress.

But yea, I don't think I've ever fully invested myself in anything. I started really thinking about this in relation to my school work. My grades are less than what they could be; while I'm not failing any classes, I'm not excelling in any of them either. I know I can do better, I just don't put in all the effort that I could. Then I started thinking back to my childhood. What stood out the most would be when my Mom would ask me to run something to some neighbors house down the hill or something along those lines. The distance really wasn't that far, but it was a little bit of a walk. I remember having fits about it, just begging my mom to drive me and drop me off there, or not to make me do it at all. Don't get me wrong, I will say that a part of this is also due to my occasionally lazy nature, but I remember there also being a genuine fear/anxiety there. I was afraid that, for some reason, I wouldn't be able to complete the task, that walking back home up that hill would just be too hard and I wouldn't be able to do it.

Now that I've started thinking about it, I'm noticing more and more how many aspects of my life are like that, I'm not ever fully focused or invested in anything. In class I'll be on msn or text, I don't fully invest emotionally in my friends and the people I care about, heck, even as I write this I have msn running and some Rihanna playing on iTunes.

The more I think about it, the more I'm finding that, as far as I can tell, the root of this problem is that fear. Fear of committing to something, then being trapped by it. The fear of not being able to deal with the consequences of my actions.

I guess I've unknowingly adopted the mentality that it's better to fail when I know I haven't given it all my effort instead of not succeeding and knowing that my best wasn't good enough.

I have yet to figure out why that failure scares me so much. I mean yea, it's normal to want to succeed and what not, but I feel that this anxiety has root somewhere else.

Oh well, more soul searching to be done

My goal is to start changing around my subconscious in order to be able to better fully-focus on what I'm doing and work on realizing when I'm holding back.

I have an awesome wolf poster on my wall that has a quote on it that I feel applies very well:

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." -Helen Keller

Now's a time in my life where I really need to start working on tearing down all these limits I've put on myself. I'm a very cautious/inhibited person, and it's time I learn to take risks.

After all, high risks = high returns

Oi.... I feel like this entry is all over the place, but oh well.

-Steff

Identity

Typically, I find that there are three sorts of people

1. Those that go with the "trend"

2. Those that go against the trend just for the sake of going against it

3. Those that don't want to be a part of either in order to be "different"

I have often found myself in the 3rd category. Not wanting to follow the crowd... nor the "anti-crowd", if you will.

Then it got me thinking

Can someone who tries to base their identity off of being "different" ever really feel like they really belong? I mean, yea you'll be like the shiny new toy in a crowd of yesterday's news and that crowd will "ooo" and "ahh" for a little while, but the separation is still there, because you're "different."

Yea, I don't know if that made sense or not. Oh well

I followed this trail of thought for a while, and it led me to a new thought

For the most part, people want to be accepted and feel like they're similar to everyone else around them. However, there's also a very prominent need to feel different, or as Barney put it "special."

So how is one ever satisfied? We want to be part of the crowd and be well liked, but then we feel like we lose our identity.

Or on the flipside, we stay unique, but feel like an outcast.

So what do we as people really want?

No wonder life is so complicated....

Steff

Intro and About Me

I'm not exactly sure how to start a blog, but I think I'm gonna just roll with it for now

Moving on

Quick Intro about me: I have long contemplated starting a blog mostly as a means of emotional and mental catharsis. I'm currently a student, and I work part-time as a CNA in an assisted living facility. I'm a social person and I like to have fun, even when it means making a fool of myself (and it often does). I like to think that I'm a pretty open-minded person. I try really hard not to judge people until I get to know them. I am, however, very far from being an expert in this.

For the past several years I've been dealing with an identity crisis, and have been on a lifelong search to find my "niche"(trying to find where I belong, and where I'm comfortable being myself... whoever that may be). I'm hoping to start documenting this "journey" if you will (look at me, talking all deep hehe). Maybe I'll be able to give some sage advice to humanity

Maybe. But I'm not counting on it

I feel like the title of my blog in and of itself deserves an explanation. I was really contemplating what to name my blog, I wanted something witty, just to make myself sound cool, but more than anything else, I wanted a name that felt appropriate for what I would be writing in here. After several days of thinking, I finally came up with something.

Hills and Valleys is a song by The Rocket Summer. It's a song that gives me hope, and oftentimes motivation to continue on with what I'm doing. I'll have to post the lyrics one of these days.

I also liked this title because I feel it very well describes how life in general is - up, down, and all around. Heck, that describes me almost every day - I'm a very emotional person and have lots of highs and lows. Stability is something that I'm currently working for.

But yea, I guess that's me, and my vision for this blog, in a nutshell. I'm not sure where this thing will go, or if it'll even make any sense, but hey, does life ever make any sense?

Well, that's all I got for now.

I suck at conclusions

Steff