For the past few months, I've centered my priorities in the wrong areas. I've been falling prey to my insecurities and things that I feel have been unrightfully deprived of me for too long of a time. I've worried so much about who I'm afraid of being, instead of accepting myself and the situations around me and simply allowing things to happen. I've put up such a resistance to my insignificant worries that I let them have power over me, and by doing so, I gave into it, giving certain people power over me that they didn't deserve, and they misused it. However, instead of changing my patterns of behavior, I simply relived the same situations over again, just with a different person. Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Deep down, I knew this, I was just too stubborn to admit it to myself - it was just easier to keep trying again. Keep searching for that feeling that I've longed for for what seems like my whole life. I would get it for moments, but it was less than a shadow of the real thing that I truly desired. There was always that voice, that fear in my head telling me that I wouldn't achieve it, that this was the closest thing I'd get so I might as well take what I could from it, it's better than nothing. I gave into that voice. Cherishing the moments where I felt fulfilled, forcing myself to ignore the pain that set in upon realizing that the whole thing was an illusion and I was once again left with that empty feeling.
A couple of weeks ago, the lies from a couple individuals and the lies I told myself amounted to too much. Everything that had been building since the fall finally came crashing down on me, and for a couple days it felt like too much. I fell back into a place I hadn't been for a while, and that I had hoped to never be at again. I was foolish and have the scars to prove it, but I want them to serve as a lesson and a reminder to myself of where I was and how it's not worth it to go back.
I know I'm still weak. I have to constantly watch my emotions/moods and make sure they don't get the best of me (as they easily could). It's a very difficult/scary thing for me to try to let go of things that I've held onto for what feels like forever. I need to change my entire mentality, and honestly I'm not sure if I even know how to, but I'm going to try. I'm recovering from everything, but I feel like I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and that this experience will make me stronger if I allow myself to learn from it, instead of reverting back to the same behaviors. I still have a lot of "why"s lingering in my mind, but I'm learning to accept them instead of letting them consume me. One way or another, I'll get there.
Until next time
Steff
