12.11.2010

In trying to work through some things, I have felt like sharing an experience that took place a little over a year ago. It's a little different than my other posts, but this is more for me than anything else.

Walking around seeing Christmas lights. Flirting while playing pool. Sharing our first kiss in a crowded movie theater. Walking hand in hand on our way back as he steals a few more kisses.
That doesn't happen to someone like me. At least that's the mentality I'd had the majority of my life.
I was soaring. I'd never felt so amazing in all my life. This is what I'd seen in movies, what I've watched others experience. Finally, that feeling was mine. The perfect date to share with someone who, in my mind at the time, was the perfect guy. Emerald green eyes, soft smile, and sweet words. he has me from the start. By the time we got back to my car to head home, I was the happiest I had ever been.

Everything changed so fast.

Listening to his CD in my car, I saw it, but chose to ignore it. i just wanted to continue to lose myself in those eyes and draw the feeling out as long as I could.
Searching deeper as he drew closer, my heart continued to sink - I didn't wanna lose this. We said our goodbyes and he left his promise.

And then a change.

I was trapped until morning. I called anyone who I thought could help, but the y were all unable. he said he'd stay with me until everything could get figured out. I was so very grateful to have the company.

In hindsight, I would've been better off alone.

I continued to fall for those green eyes - in my exhaustion I couldn't see any other way. Ignoring the voice in my head screaming "NO NO NO". I never uttered a word.
I began my drive home in the afternoon. His words echoed in my head as I continued to play the whole experience in my head over and over again. The voice in my head finally broke through the haze, and realization finally hit me.
If only I had known what was to come. Maybe I wouldn't have fallen prey to that feeling, and would've been able to avoid all the others.
Regardless, what has happened has happened. I continue to work on putting it behind me.

Still as hard as I work at it, I still see those emerald green eyes.

Steff

Let Go

The weight that's been holding me
The chains that've held me bound
I've let go, I'm finally free
However, liberation is not what I've found

Anchor's gone, tossed by the weather
This isn't going how I planned
Though I know we were never meant to be together
It is of no comfort when alone I stand

Back to life as usual, nothing new
Trying to forget all that has been said
But keeping away the phantoms of you
Become near impossible when lying alone in bed

All that remains is a ghost
No one knows what my mind screams
Holding to the memories I cherish the most
As I wait to see you in my dreams

Steff

Metal Lover

Nonsensical in the beginning
Never thought I’d have this in life
Such a bizarre feeling
My love affair with a knife

Touched like never before
Cold, smooth edge caressing my skin
Just press a little deeper
‘Cause what’s inside only bleeds for him

There can be pleasure in pain
Solice in sorrow
First you force it, then you crave it
And leave the scars for tomorrow

Try to escape
Believe what they tell you
Say they’ll be there till the end

But when they vanish
As is often the case with men
I turn to my metal lover
And begin again


Steff

Confusion

I'm not even sure how to start this, I just know I need to let it out.

What is one supposed to do when they find something that gives them something(or someone) that gives them something they've wanted their whole life but haven't actually found up till that point? The catch is, ultimately it can't go on forever. One side would have to change, and neither can bring themselves to do it. Do you abandon a good thing just because it can't last? or do you take the opportunity to explore something new and open yourself to experiencing something you've been needing?`

I've stumbled upon something different, and it really makes me so happy. I feel so safe, and so right with it. I just know it can't ultimately last. I don't know, I just can't leave this as it is. I don't know what to do, whats going to happen, or how to go about this.

All I know is I need to see him again....

Steff

Fallen Angel

The truth is such a funny thing

Absolute yet so flighty

Something his hands had promised

and the serpent was granted entry

What do you do once in the trap?

Going down down down

The air can be trapped by the ground

down down down to take

Angel came down to risk love

(little did she know)

A chance to rest her wings

(flight gets so lonley)

Promise of truth had held her bound

(His tongue's quiet violation)

Feather by feather, slowly taken

Till, wingless she lay, left to desolation

Lying there motionless

He was ready to take

Innocent, naive, she didn't know

she was eaten by the snake

Angel came down to risk love

(little did she know)

A chance to rest her wings

(flight gets so lonley)

Promise of truth had held her bound

(His tongue's quiet violation)

Feather by feather, slowly taken

Till, wingless she lay, left to desolation

Why oh Angel

did you let yourself be deceived?

You knew all along how this would end

and now you're left alone to grieve

New Beginnings

Bunch of random thoughts coming, but meh... what else is new?

I feel like there's been a lot happening in my life, though at the same time it's not things that have actually physically taken place, just a lot going on internally I guess. Unfortunately, it's taken a couple close-calls and a lot of heartbreak for me to get to this point, and to continue on it's going to require a lot of patience, which really isn't my strong suit. I'm having to relinquish control in a manner of speaking, and letting go isn't one of those things I'm good at either. So basically, I have a lot ahead of me and yea, I'm scared to death. This is what I need to do in order to get where I want to be and reach the future that I truly want. I feel like this is what I blogged about in February, but iunno, it feels different this time. I feel like my mindset has changed. I won't say that the desire has left me, because it's still very prevalent, but I feel stronger.

Lately I feel like my head has been in a different place. I've been having very strange dreams. I rarely remember my dreams, so for me to be able to recollect so many is quite rare for me. I feel like they mean something(which I also don't often feel), though I'm not sure what. There's nothing that really leaves a specific impression in these dreams, but they're all very personal, bringing up a lot of emotions and memories that I don't always want brought up. Others bring out that side of me that I'm trying so hard to move past. I'm not even sure I can quite describe the effect all this has on me. Puts me in a haze of sorts, I feel almost out of body, wandering the chambers of my own mind, perplexed. Yea... it's weird.

Last little bit I want to vent - I'm getting really frustrated with not fitting in with my own "kind". I mean, I go to church and I love how I feel when I'm there - I know it's where I'm supposed to be and it feels right. However, when I go to activities and stuff like that, I feel so out of place and awkward. I don't even know. I don't like how I feel when I'm in those circumstances surrounded by those people, which is hard because I know it's the world I need to be a part of in order to get to where I ultimately want to be. I don't know, just hard sometimes.

That's all for now I guess

Steff

Insanity

So I acknowledge that blogging right now is probably a veryvery bad idea, but meh. Not thinking straight now anyhows.

Do you know what it's like to have your thoughts racing at a million miles a minute to where you're not even sure what exactly is going through your mind and what it's doing to your mood? To feel so much at once that you can't tell the difference from happy, angry, nervous, or depressed all in one instance? What it's like to want to rip off your own skin because you feel like you're going to explode. Not even in a figurative manner - to literally feel like there's too much in you that just keeps building. Even still, you're insatiable - nothing satisfies. Wanting to scream and laugh at the same time because you don't know which is more appropriate. Don't even really feel like yourself, that you've turned to a more carnal, irrational version of yourself that you're not sure how to deal with.

Welcome to my world

Feels like I'm visiting insanity. Feels like reality is suspended, that I'm trying to jump out of my body to escape to some unknown plane. Like my mind is not my own and I don't know where it's trying to take me, but it's not where I'm wanting to go

To two individuals who will probably never read this - just throwing it out there that I hate what you did. You will never know the impact it's had on me.

Stay sane my friends

Steff

Update/Venting

A lot has happened in the past couple of months. I've learned a lot of things about myself, not all of it good. I've let myself down in a lot of ways on more than one occasion, and as much as it hurt and I regretted it, I repeated the mistakes. The past couple of weeks have been a huge learning experience for me. Lots of pain, but lots of growth and self-discovery in the meantime.

For the past few months, I've centered my priorities in the wrong areas. I've been falling prey to my insecurities and things that I feel have been unrightfully deprived of me for too long of a time. I've worried so much about who I'm afraid of being, instead of accepting myself and the situations around me and simply allowing things to happen. I've put up such a resistance to my insignificant worries that I let them have power over me, and by doing so, I gave into it, giving certain people power over me that they didn't deserve, and they misused it. However, instead of changing my patterns of behavior, I simply relived the same situations over again, just with a different person. Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Deep down, I knew this, I was just too stubborn to admit it to myself - it was just easier to keep trying again. Keep searching for that feeling that I've longed for for what seems like my whole life. I would get it for moments, but it was less than a shadow of the real thing that I truly desired. There was always that voice, that fear in my head telling me that I wouldn't achieve it, that this was the closest thing I'd get so I might as well take what I could from it, it's better than nothing. I gave into that voice. Cherishing the moments where I felt fulfilled, forcing myself to ignore the pain that set in upon realizing that the whole thing was an illusion and I was once again left with that empty feeling.

A couple of weeks ago, the lies from a couple individuals and the lies I told myself amounted to too much. Everything that had been building since the fall finally came crashing down on me, and for a couple days it felt like too much. I fell back into a place I hadn't been for a while, and that I had hoped to never be at again. I was foolish and have the scars to prove it, but I want them to serve as a lesson and a reminder to myself of where I was and how it's not worth it to go back.

I know I'm still weak. I have to constantly watch my emotions/moods and make sure they don't get the best of me (as they easily could). It's a very difficult/scary thing for me to try to let go of things that I've held onto for what feels like forever. I need to change my entire mentality, and honestly I'm not sure if I even know how to, but I'm going to try. I'm recovering from everything, but I feel like I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and that this experience will make me stronger if I allow myself to learn from it, instead of reverting back to the same behaviors. I still have a lot of "why"s lingering in my mind, but I'm learning to accept them instead of letting them consume me. One way or another, I'll get there.

Until next time

Steff