New Beginnings

Bunch of random thoughts coming, but meh... what else is new?

I feel like there's been a lot happening in my life, though at the same time it's not things that have actually physically taken place, just a lot going on internally I guess. Unfortunately, it's taken a couple close-calls and a lot of heartbreak for me to get to this point, and to continue on it's going to require a lot of patience, which really isn't my strong suit. I'm having to relinquish control in a manner of speaking, and letting go isn't one of those things I'm good at either. So basically, I have a lot ahead of me and yea, I'm scared to death. This is what I need to do in order to get where I want to be and reach the future that I truly want. I feel like this is what I blogged about in February, but iunno, it feels different this time. I feel like my mindset has changed. I won't say that the desire has left me, because it's still very prevalent, but I feel stronger.

Lately I feel like my head has been in a different place. I've been having very strange dreams. I rarely remember my dreams, so for me to be able to recollect so many is quite rare for me. I feel like they mean something(which I also don't often feel), though I'm not sure what. There's nothing that really leaves a specific impression in these dreams, but they're all very personal, bringing up a lot of emotions and memories that I don't always want brought up. Others bring out that side of me that I'm trying so hard to move past. I'm not even sure I can quite describe the effect all this has on me. Puts me in a haze of sorts, I feel almost out of body, wandering the chambers of my own mind, perplexed. Yea... it's weird.

Last little bit I want to vent - I'm getting really frustrated with not fitting in with my own "kind". I mean, I go to church and I love how I feel when I'm there - I know it's where I'm supposed to be and it feels right. However, when I go to activities and stuff like that, I feel so out of place and awkward. I don't even know. I don't like how I feel when I'm in those circumstances surrounded by those people, which is hard because I know it's the world I need to be a part of in order to get to where I ultimately want to be. I don't know, just hard sometimes.

That's all for now I guess

Steff