In and Out

He made me smile

He said I was beautiful

He listened to my problems

He made me feel safe

He lied

I opened up

He let me down

I gave him a lot

but he wanted it all

Turned to him because I was down

Hoping for a lifet

Took me in, hoping I would take him in

He always said he wasn't like the rest

He lied

I opened up

He let me down

I gave him a lot

But he wanted it all

He was turned on

Told me to take it all off

I held my ground

Told me to spread out wide

Give it all, let him get in

or he was out

...

He left

-Steff

The Mentality of Society

So lately this topic has come up a lot in my life - the mentality of society. Never really thought about it before, but really, we have a very negative mentality as a whole

Think about it

I don't know about everyone else, but I know for me personally, if I get 100 compliments (on just whatever), and just 1 insult, guess what's gonna stick out to me the most?

Iunno, maybe that's just a chick thing

Another example

Think about the way we talk. We put a lot of focus on "don't"'s, "won't"'s, "not"'s, etc. For instance, we don't say "Stay healthy!" typically, we say something like "Don't get sick!" or whatever, where the focus of the sentence is still "sick"

That's prob not the best example, but I think you get what I mean here. Listen for it in your conversations, and you'll see it

Example #3

Our news today mostly focuses on the negative. Why? Because bad news sells. We may SAY we want world peace, happiness, and all that jazz, but when it all comes down to it, we want the calamity, destruction, and despair.

One last example, and I'm pretty sure this one isn't one that most of you have thought of before

Think of the way you breathe. My guess is that more often than not, it's your chest that rises and falls, rather than your stomach.

But wait, what does that have to do with anything?

Animals when they're truly at rest, will breathe so their stomach rises and falls. This maximizes air capacity and is very relaxing (when I changed my breathing, I noticed difference in my mood. Try it)

When an animal is aggressive, they breathe into their chest

What's that say about our society? Do we have all this subconscious aggression? Or is it just a result of stress?

Either way, to me it shows just how negative our mentality is. Is it any wonder we're so unhappy? We're completely bombarded by negativity!

So I've been thinking, how can I break out of this? What can I do to make it so all this negativity doesn't affect me?

Best answer? Attitude really is everything (yea, I know: cliche)

I know that when I do a mental prep for myself in the morning, like telling myself what kinda day I'm going to have and stuff, I have a far better day than when I wake up thinking "oh crap... morning." Or something along those lines - you catch my drift?

Anyways, it is my firm belief that happiness is a choice we make. We are responsible for our own happiness, and while outside forces can influence our choice, ultimately we are responsible for what happens internally.

Once again, conclusions aren't my strong point

-Steff

Commitment

So, more and more I've started to realize that I struggle with commitment issues. Originally, I thought that this spawned from a very hurtful emotional experience from when I was 14. However, upon further self-psycho analysis, I have found that this has been something that I've struggled with ever since I was little, just in smaller forms.

I came to realize that, as far as I can remember, I've never really committed myself to ANYTHING 100%. Mind you, I wouldn't always slack off, I do give things a good 80-90% effort, but I digress.

But yea, I don't think I've ever fully invested myself in anything. I started really thinking about this in relation to my school work. My grades are less than what they could be; while I'm not failing any classes, I'm not excelling in any of them either. I know I can do better, I just don't put in all the effort that I could. Then I started thinking back to my childhood. What stood out the most would be when my Mom would ask me to run something to some neighbors house down the hill or something along those lines. The distance really wasn't that far, but it was a little bit of a walk. I remember having fits about it, just begging my mom to drive me and drop me off there, or not to make me do it at all. Don't get me wrong, I will say that a part of this is also due to my occasionally lazy nature, but I remember there also being a genuine fear/anxiety there. I was afraid that, for some reason, I wouldn't be able to complete the task, that walking back home up that hill would just be too hard and I wouldn't be able to do it.

Now that I've started thinking about it, I'm noticing more and more how many aspects of my life are like that, I'm not ever fully focused or invested in anything. In class I'll be on msn or text, I don't fully invest emotionally in my friends and the people I care about, heck, even as I write this I have msn running and some Rihanna playing on iTunes.

The more I think about it, the more I'm finding that, as far as I can tell, the root of this problem is that fear. Fear of committing to something, then being trapped by it. The fear of not being able to deal with the consequences of my actions.

I guess I've unknowingly adopted the mentality that it's better to fail when I know I haven't given it all my effort instead of not succeeding and knowing that my best wasn't good enough.

I have yet to figure out why that failure scares me so much. I mean yea, it's normal to want to succeed and what not, but I feel that this anxiety has root somewhere else.

Oh well, more soul searching to be done

My goal is to start changing around my subconscious in order to be able to better fully-focus on what I'm doing and work on realizing when I'm holding back.

I have an awesome wolf poster on my wall that has a quote on it that I feel applies very well:

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." -Helen Keller

Now's a time in my life where I really need to start working on tearing down all these limits I've put on myself. I'm a very cautious/inhibited person, and it's time I learn to take risks.

After all, high risks = high returns

Oi.... I feel like this entry is all over the place, but oh well.

-Steff

Identity

Typically, I find that there are three sorts of people

1. Those that go with the "trend"

2. Those that go against the trend just for the sake of going against it

3. Those that don't want to be a part of either in order to be "different"

I have often found myself in the 3rd category. Not wanting to follow the crowd... nor the "anti-crowd", if you will.

Then it got me thinking

Can someone who tries to base their identity off of being "different" ever really feel like they really belong? I mean, yea you'll be like the shiny new toy in a crowd of yesterday's news and that crowd will "ooo" and "ahh" for a little while, but the separation is still there, because you're "different."

Yea, I don't know if that made sense or not. Oh well

I followed this trail of thought for a while, and it led me to a new thought

For the most part, people want to be accepted and feel like they're similar to everyone else around them. However, there's also a very prominent need to feel different, or as Barney put it "special."

So how is one ever satisfied? We want to be part of the crowd and be well liked, but then we feel like we lose our identity.

Or on the flipside, we stay unique, but feel like an outcast.

So what do we as people really want?

No wonder life is so complicated....

Steff

Intro and About Me

I'm not exactly sure how to start a blog, but I think I'm gonna just roll with it for now

Moving on

Quick Intro about me: I have long contemplated starting a blog mostly as a means of emotional and mental catharsis. I'm currently a student, and I work part-time as a CNA in an assisted living facility. I'm a social person and I like to have fun, even when it means making a fool of myself (and it often does). I like to think that I'm a pretty open-minded person. I try really hard not to judge people until I get to know them. I am, however, very far from being an expert in this.

For the past several years I've been dealing with an identity crisis, and have been on a lifelong search to find my "niche"(trying to find where I belong, and where I'm comfortable being myself... whoever that may be). I'm hoping to start documenting this "journey" if you will (look at me, talking all deep hehe). Maybe I'll be able to give some sage advice to humanity

Maybe. But I'm not counting on it

I feel like the title of my blog in and of itself deserves an explanation. I was really contemplating what to name my blog, I wanted something witty, just to make myself sound cool, but more than anything else, I wanted a name that felt appropriate for what I would be writing in here. After several days of thinking, I finally came up with something.

Hills and Valleys is a song by The Rocket Summer. It's a song that gives me hope, and oftentimes motivation to continue on with what I'm doing. I'll have to post the lyrics one of these days.

I also liked this title because I feel it very well describes how life in general is - up, down, and all around. Heck, that describes me almost every day - I'm a very emotional person and have lots of highs and lows. Stability is something that I'm currently working for.

But yea, I guess that's me, and my vision for this blog, in a nutshell. I'm not sure where this thing will go, or if it'll even make any sense, but hey, does life ever make any sense?

Well, that's all I got for now.

I suck at conclusions

Steff