Up and Down and Aaaalllllllll Around

Oi... so this last week has been CRAZY emotionally. I really think I almost lost it a couple times. However, I am quite proud of myself for handling things as well as I have been. Sometimes I feel like I'm borderline, on the edge of a black hole almost about to get sucked in, but I've been able to hold my ground so far. I've had to REALLY watch my thoughts, been trying to not have too much time to think. The other night I was fighting falling asleep because I didn't want to have that period where I was just laying in bed thinking. Instead I kept doing things to keep me distracted till I just zonked out. Needless to say, it worked.

I've been having a lot of reevaluations of myself lately. I have found that the power of one's thoughts are amazing. It's really hard to keep track of one's thoughts, but once the skill is mastered, it can really make all the difference in moods. Being able to track the dark thoughts and replace them is all one has to do to stay happy. It's hard sometimes though. There are times where I just wanna mope and wallow in self pity. Staying above that this week has made all the difference. I almost totally and completely lost it Wednesday night. I really went into hysterics. I wanted to do something reckless, I wanted to get hurt. I did do something kinda crazy, but it ended up working out and nothing happened. The next day I had to fight so hard to keep my composure. Finally, I got to this point where I decided I didn't want to be miserable anymore. Crap happens, and the best thing I could do at that point is just get over it and move on. Being upset wasn't doing me any good and it was really bringing down everything and everyone around me. Like I said, I'm doing so much better now. I'm still really having to watch my thoughts and stuff, but I really think I gonna come through this okay.

Steff