Trust and Attachment

Been thinking a lot lately about relationships and trust. Obviously a relationship won't be strong without trust, and I'm trying to figure out why sometimes I insist on carrying on, even when I know I've been lied to and there are things that happen that hurt, but at the same time I'm willing to overlook them and live in denial just because I want so dearly for the relationship to work out how I had planned it to. And even after I've received further confirmation to the deceit, I still want to just forget about it and move on, even though I know in the end it'll just bring me further heartache. Why do I do this to myself? Am I really so afraid of the unknown that I'm willing to put myself through such intense pain?

Sigh... I don't know. A part of me honestly believes I'm going crazy. Like honest to goodness insanity. I've been so close to the edge lately and just hurting and blah, I don't know.

Well there's my rant for now. Not much to this post, but I had to let it out.

Till next time,

Steff

Up and Down and Aaaalllllllll Around

Oi... so this last week has been CRAZY emotionally. I really think I almost lost it a couple times. However, I am quite proud of myself for handling things as well as I have been. Sometimes I feel like I'm borderline, on the edge of a black hole almost about to get sucked in, but I've been able to hold my ground so far. I've had to REALLY watch my thoughts, been trying to not have too much time to think. The other night I was fighting falling asleep because I didn't want to have that period where I was just laying in bed thinking. Instead I kept doing things to keep me distracted till I just zonked out. Needless to say, it worked.

I've been having a lot of reevaluations of myself lately. I have found that the power of one's thoughts are amazing. It's really hard to keep track of one's thoughts, but once the skill is mastered, it can really make all the difference in moods. Being able to track the dark thoughts and replace them is all one has to do to stay happy. It's hard sometimes though. There are times where I just wanna mope and wallow in self pity. Staying above that this week has made all the difference. I almost totally and completely lost it Wednesday night. I really went into hysterics. I wanted to do something reckless, I wanted to get hurt. I did do something kinda crazy, but it ended up working out and nothing happened. The next day I had to fight so hard to keep my composure. Finally, I got to this point where I decided I didn't want to be miserable anymore. Crap happens, and the best thing I could do at that point is just get over it and move on. Being upset wasn't doing me any good and it was really bringing down everything and everyone around me. Like I said, I'm doing so much better now. I'm still really having to watch my thoughts and stuff, but I really think I gonna come through this okay.

Steff

Who Am I?

So the other day something happened that really surprised me. I'm not going into details, but basically it's just started making me question a lot who I am (even more so than ever). I did things that were so unlike me, but it didn't feel like I was betraying any part of myself. My actions weren't terrible, but it's not something someone would ever expect of me. Ever. While the whole thing was happening I couldn't help thinking about my friends and family and if they could see me now, what would they thing? They'd probably be absolutely shocked. But yea, this whole situation has left me so confused. I don't feel like there's anyone I can really talk to about it to help me figure things out. It's hard...

Till next time,

Steff

Blessings

For the past couple days I have been very down and depressed. I sat down in church today, feeling like there was a gaping hole in my chest and I just thought... "I'm sick of this." I then got the idea to come home and write down an extensive list of all my blessings and the things I'm grateful for. Just thinking of doing it started to make me feel better. So yea... here it is

• A sturdy house
• Heating/Air Conditioning
• A job
• stuffed animals
• my dogs
• Big fluffy clouds against a bright blue sky
• All the colors of nature
• The mountains
• My family
• sushi
• My religion
• The Book of Mormon
• My country
• Soldiers
• the smell of freshly-cut grass
• Fresh fruits/vegetables
• My sight
• My hearing
• The feeling of the warm sun on my skin
• Crawling into bed after a long hard day
• Music
• Butterflies
• Laying outside and hearing the birds singing
• Smoothies
• Water
• Indoor plumbing
• Modern Medicine
• Technology
• The piano
• singing
• Nice clothes
• My height
• Summer rain
• Things that are soft
• Cars
• Trampolines
• Basketball
• Lotion
• Living in a society where women shave their armpits haha
• Wolves (they're so beautiful)
• Zoos
• Malls
• Photography
• Ice cream
• Cheese cake
• ....baked good in general haha
• The Wii haha
• Jesus
• Good literature (aka: not twilight)
• Pools
• Massages
• Hugs
• Hygiene products
• My health
• My boobs (haha)
• Furniture
• OTC drugs (I love ibuprofen)
• Little random funny things that happen throughout the day that just make you smile
• A sense of humor
• Living in a relatively safe place
• Naps
• Cologne (mmm, yummy)
• Bikes
• My cell phone
• Diverse cultures
• Sprinklers
• Clothes just fit perfectly
• The fact that we're all unique
• All 5 senses
• 4 seasons
• Exercise
• My health
• My ability to walk
• Being continent
• Arts/crafts

Well, that's all I got for now. There's so much more, but I'm a bit tired and I can't think of everything. I would encourage everyone to do the same (list their blessings I mean). We all have so much to be thankful for, and focusing on what we have is a great way to bring joy to your life.

Steff