Emotional Extraction

Been having stuff go through my head a lot lately, and I really feel like I need to get it out of me.

So I've struggled with depression since I was a kid. It's just been one of those things I've learned to deal with, comes and goes and what not. However, lately it's just been coming, not going.

Throughout my life, I've had various ways to cope with my abundance of emotion, but most of these methods weren't healthy and caused further emotional stress in the long run. My most destructive methods of coping went on for about 2 years. It's now been over a year since I've gone through that, and I feel like those wounds are now mostly healed. My life has reached a relatively stable point and things are really going well for me currently - My dad isn't on the brink of death, I'm making good choices, I'm enjoying school, and I enjoy my job. But still... something's going on that causes me to have that heavy feeling in my chest that isn't going away like it should. I'm accustom to feeling down every once in a while, but I can usually just sleep it off or wait it out and it's gone. This is different. It's been almost 3 weeks now. Even if I'm around friends and enjoying company of other people, it's still there. There's still a weight that's pulling me so I constantly feel like only a part of myself is happy, while the other part is just this heaviness that's constantly trying to pull me away.

Before when I've had long bouts like this I've always blamed it on bad circumstances and thought to myself that it will get better once I reach certain goals or get to a certain point in my life. I could see clear reasons for my unhappiness. Once I got good friends, once I felt like people liked me, once I got a job I really enjoyed, once I figured out what I want to do with my life, etc. That's the thing though - I'm there now. Really. Everything is going so well for me in my life, there's very little more I could ask for. And I still feel so dark inside.

And that's the part that scares me...

Does this mean that I'm going to always have to deal with this? That I just need to get used to a feeling of lacking or, as cliche as it may sound, a hole in my chest? This is what worries me. I'm afraid I'm going to revert back to my old behaviors, because even if my choices caused me anguish, there still was that moment that I got to forget everything and just enjoy that moment where I could lie to myself for a little while.
I don't want to go back to that. I really don't. But I'd be lying if I said the proposition isn't becoming more and more tempting. It's just so hard feeling like I'm doing what I know I'm supposed to do and feeling like life is just getting more and more difficult, even though everything is going right.

Well, that's all I got for now. Had to let it out.

Thanks
Steff