Thursday, April 8, 2010

Commitment

So, more and more I've started to realize that I struggle with commitment issues. Originally, I thought that this spawned from a very hurtful emotional experience from when I was 14. However, upon further self-psycho analysis, I have found that this has been something that I've struggled with ever since I was little, just in smaller forms.
I came to realize that, as far as I can remember, I've never really committed myself to ANYTHING 100%. Mind you, I wouldn't always slack off, I do give things a good 80-90% effort, but I digress.
But yea, I don't think I've ever fully invested myself in anything. I started really thinking about this in relation to my school work. My grades are less than what they could be; while I'm not failing any classes, I'm not excelling in any of them either. I know I can do better, I just don't put in all the effort that I could. Then I started thinking back to my childhood. What stood out the most would be when my Mom would ask me to run something to some neighbors house down the hill or something along those lines. The distance really wasn't that far, but it was a little bit of a walk. I remember having fits about it, just begging my mom to drive me and drop me off there, or not to make me do it at all. Don't get me wrong, I will say that a part of this is also due to my occasionally lazy nature, but I remember there also being a genuine fear/anxiety there. I was afraid that, for some reason, I wouldn't be able to complete the task, that walking back home up that hill would just be too hard and I wouldn't be able to do it.
Now that I've started thinking about it, I'm noticing more and more how many aspects of my life are like that, I'm not ever fully focused or invested in anything. In class I'll be on msn or text, I don't fully invest emotionally in my friends and the people I care about, heck, even as I write this I have msn running and some Rihanna playing on iTunes.
The more I think about it, the more I'm finding that, as far as I can tell, the root of this problem is that fear. Fear of committing to something, then being trapped by it. The fear of not being able to deal with the consequences of my actions.
I guess I've unknowingly adopted the mentality that it's better to fail when I know I haven't given it all my effort instead of not succeeding and knowing that my best wasn't good enough.
I have yet to figure out why that failure scares me so much. I mean yea, it's normal to want to succeed and what not, but I feel that this anxiety has root somewhere else.
Oh well, more soul searching to be done
My goal is to start changing around my subconscious in order to be able to better fully-focus on what I'm doing and work on realizing when I'm holding back.
I have an awesome wolf poster on my wall that has a quote on it that I feel applies very well:
"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." -Helen Keller
Now's a time in my life where I really need to start working on tearing down all these limits I've put on myself. I'm a very cautious/inhibited person, and it's time I learn to take risks.
After all, high risks = high returns
Oi.... I feel like this entry is all over the place, but oh well.
-Steff

1 comment:

  1. I think you stayed on track with the subject. I have trouble focusing and completing things, too. My problem, though, is that I get can't concentrate or focus on one thing without something else taking my attention.

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